I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship, by Marty Babits
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I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship, by Marty Babits
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Chocolates are fine and flowers rarely disappoint, but for relationships on the rocks, nothing says, 'I love you' like the promise of renewal. In I'm Not a Mind Reader, Babits reveals that too often, even the smartest people have difficulty communicating, and we've learned over the years that love isn't enough to repair the normal wear and tear that occurs in relationships.
So, what can couples do when even love itself fails? Babits lays out a totally unique blueprint for renewal in I'm Not a Mind Reader, explaining that every message from one partner to another can be considered in terms of three separate dimensions:
The surface level—this is the literal meaning of what partners say to one anotherThe emotional subtext of the message—its emotional undertoneThe third dimension—evaluating the first two and comparing them with the goal of creating emotional safety within the dialogue Armed with this formula, whatever needs to be better understood, resolved, expanded or modified in the relationship can be addressed and communication brings coherence and connection. The person who practices three-dimensional communication lives in full and vibrant color compared with seeing everything in black and white. This new method is vivid and textured; it promotes the capacity to negotiate differences, to clarify misunderstandings, to heal confusions, and to reinvigorate passion and trust.
I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship, by Marty Babits - Amazon Sales Rank: #823799 in eBooks
- Published on: 2015-05-12
- Released on: 2015-05-12
- Format: Kindle eBook
I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship, by Marty Babits Review
"First comes love . . . then comes Babits . . . then comes marriage and the baby carriage! This book should be required reading for all beginning couples."
―Suzanne Iasenza, PhD, renowned Manhattan psychologist/sex therapist, faculty at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis and the Postgraduate Program in Couples and Family Therapy of Adelphi University's Derner Institute
"Marty Babits' skill at rendering dialogue is novelistic, and only as the reader begins to absorb the sincerity with which the couples and their therapist struggle with constraints, conscious or not, does the real strength of our human need for attachment appear. From written exercises, to sexuality, to the section on neuroscience, chapter after chapter of candid writing―unique in any book on empowerment―are bold, frank, empathic, and useful."
―Elizabeth Danto, PhD, professor of social work, emeritus, Hunter College-City University of New York, author of Freud's Free Clinics
'Marty Babits has written another excellent book to help both couples and their therapists. I appreciate his addressing of neuroscience to illustrate a goal of treatment: using more logical reasoning (via the cerebral cortex) to better control the emotions (via the amygdala) that interfere with optimal communication.'
―Jeffrey B. Freedman, MD, director, Division of Psychosomatic Medicine, Mount Sinai Roosevelt and St. Luke's Hospitals
About the Author
Marty Babits is the Co-Director of FACTS (Family and Couples Treatment Service), a division of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, one of the oldest and most respected training and treatment resources in Manhattan, chartered by the NYS Board of Regents. He teaches and supervises at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy and at Hunter School of Social Work and in the Hunter Graduate Program in Mental Health Counseling. As a therapist, he has worked with hundreds of families and couples over the past twenty-five years. His first book, The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couples Guide to Renewing Your Relationship (Prometheus, 2009) was well-reviewed, including a recommendation from Library Journal. He has also published numerous articles in professional journals and writes "Middle Ground," a blog on the Psychology Today website. Babits is in private practice in New York City.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Introduction
The first duty of love is to listen.―Paul Tillich
Interested in Improving Communication?
If you are interested in improving communication in your relationship, I'm Not a Mind Reader is for you. Many couples cite poor communication as the biggest obstacle to feeling close. Most of them have a hard time envisioning how it can be improved.
They do not understand that communication between partners has an inherent structure.
They confuse the various dimensions of communication.
They argue in such a way that damages trust.
They allow resentment to shut down their dialogue.
They allow blame and self-righteousness to obscure possibilities for resolving issues effectively.
There is an antidote to this constellation of toxic communication problems: three-dimensional communication. I will teach you what it is and how to use it effectively. Like the majority of the couples I see in my office, if you need help fixing your communication process, this book will help you.
Communication Versus Dysfunctional Talk
The word communication is derived from the Latin word communicare, which means 'sharing.' When true to its roots, communication brings people together. Dysfunctional attempts to communicate do not achieve this end. Good communication, three-dimensional communication, creates emotional safety.
You may have questions about what emotional safety is, how it works, how it can be created, and how it is connected to each dimension of communication. Chapter Two, 'Emotional Safety,' answers these and many other questions. For now, the short answer is that good communication rests on maintaining a continuous awareness of opportunities for creating emotional safety.
Three-dimensional communication generates emotional safety. As a mindful practice, it will change the way you think about what communication itself is.
A Positive Mind-Set
A positive mind-set alone cannot guarantee improved understanding between you and your partner. If your mind-set is not positive, failure is guaranteed.
You may be wondering what constitutes a positive mind-set. As represented in the work of psychologist Dr. Carol Dweick and stated briefly, it is a learning mind-set; a mind-set that becomes energized by challenge. The opposite, what Dweick calls a fixed mind-set, retreats from challenge, avoids it.
Despite intelligence and competence at acquiring rote information, people with a fixed mind-set are ill-prepared to go beyond where they have been. Yet the life cycle invariably confronts all of us with new difficulties. Accordingly, we need a learning mind-set; it is not a developmental frill. It is a developmental necessity.
Three-Dimensional Communication
Every message from one partner to another can be considered in terms of three separate dimensions. The first is the surface level. This refers to the literal meaning of what partners say to each other. The second is the emotional subtext of the message, its emotional undertone or undercurrent. The third dimension involves evaluating the first two and comparing that combination with the goal of creating emotional safety within the dialogue.
With all three dimensions active and coordinated, communication provides a sense of direction for the dialogue because this question is addressed: Are you going toward or away from building emotional safety? This method strengthens your ability to appreciate the potential, in whatever situation you are in, for moving toward creating emotional safety.
The First Dimension
In a nutshell, difficulties that occur in the first dimension are simple misunderstandings. Incomplete messages and misheard or misspoken phrases: that is the stuff of first-dimension breakdowns in communication.
Part of what has to happen in an intimate long-term relationship is for partners to get to know themselves and each other better and better over time. Few relationships start out with a solid foundation of effective communication. Most of us have a lot of learning and growing to do before we are even close to being as loving and humane as we can be. The place where this learning can be accomplished? In your relationship.
Carole and Jim had arranged to meet on 96th Street. They frequently met on that large thoroughfare; however, neither had specified the corner they would be waiting on. They often met at the corner closest to the park, 96th and West End Avenue, which is where Jim waited expectantly. Carole recalled instantly when they had made the arrangement that the very last time they'd met on 96th Street, it was at 96th and Amsterdam. As a result, they did not find each other. Each felt self-righteous about having done the right thing, and each was convinced that the other had made a mistake. Although this situation sounds like a caricature of miscommunication, it is based on a real occurrence. It can also be read as a metaphor for how partners often fail to spell out information adequately for each other. And how, despite the incompleteness of their messages to each other, they often expect that their partner should have understood what had never been said. This is a miscommunication in the first dimension. The literal messages were inadequate to foster a secure understanding.
Jim: Can you meet me at 96th Street?
Carole: When?
Jim: Five thirty in the afternoon. Tomorrow.
Carole: Okay. See you then.
Neither intuited that the omitted detail would be important. They both believed they knew what the other meant.
The Second Dimension
As mentioned above, in the second dimension we focus on grasping aspects of the message that lie underneath the words, the subtext. Tone of voice, gesture―verbal, facial, postural (body language)―all of these affect the meaning that is embedded within the words themselves. The emotional subtext or undercurrent of the message makes up the second dimension.
For example, the phrase I'm glad you're here spoken with a loving tone can strengthen a feeling of connection. The same phrase delivered with a sarcastic tone or a roll of the eyes reverses the meaning. This creates distance. The tone of any message, heart of the second dimension, is critical to the meaning of the message conveyed.
Often the first and second dimensions appear to conflict with each other. This becomes the mixed message that we all are probably familiar with as a concept and, regrettably, as an experience. A mixed message is when the tone or implication of a statement contradicts the words. John says, 'I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get the job,' and smirks―a classic mixed message.
Last but Far from Least, the Third Dimension
The third dimension opens the door to possibilities for deepest connection. It gives a couple's communication richness and depth.
In the third dimension you monitor whether the communication process you are participating in brings you and your partner closer together or not. This dimension connects you to your reflective capacity. This third dimension lights up a circuit that includes your capacities to compare and contrast what you are thinking about the dialogue of the moment and your long-range goals and objectives for your relationship. It brings you into greater contact with the fullness of your cognitive, emotional, and decision-making abilities. In this sense the third dimension is your portal to mindfulness.
Not every pair establishes a third dimension in their process. Listen to a snippet of Kelly and Joe's conversation:
Kelly: Please don't purchase the new computer until a week after we've deposited our paychecks and paid the bills.
Joe: Don't you have anything better to do than police my spending habits?
Kelly: We spoke about this and agreed to hold off until we were in a better position, savings-wise, to make discretionary purchases.
©2015 Marty Babits. All rights reserved. Reprinted from I'm Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.
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Most helpful customer reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful. Communication is more than "he said," "she said." and Babits gets it right! By Suzanne Degges It is surprising that even with all of the new forms of technology available to enhance communication, we still seem to have not yet figured out how to communicate best with those we love the most! Reflecting on the title of this particular book, I’m Not a Mind Reader: Using the Power of Three Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship, it seems that we typically hold our partners, not ourselves, responsible for ensuring effective communication. However, Marty Babits has created an excellent guide for helping both partners in a relationship recognize that communication only succeeds when both invest into making it work. The author takes the readers into important areas for exploration – recognizing the need for and helping create personal safety for your partner to allow for effective conversations and exploring the anger that our words sometimes ignite and better understanding what we can do differently to avoid this unfortunate by-product of failed attempts at communication. Babits’ book provides richly layered examples of the do’s and don’ts of positive and productive communication as well as removing the “smoke and mirrors” that seem to accompany some couples’ communication efforts. There are self-reflection exercises and quizzes to help readers test their own knowledge of how communication can be improved and clarified. I was surprised at how well the author captured the nuances that couples are trying to express, but failing. As a counselor, I realize that there is a great deal of “power” when clients speak aloud their feelings, hopes, or dreams. Reading the sample conversations is likely to have a very similar effect on readers – when we “hear” how we sound, we can no longer easily ignore a flaw or opportunity for personal growth. Thank you, Marty Babits, for this book – I appreciate how clearly you have illustrated and broken down the three dimensions of communication in a creative, original, and innovative way! Your ideas are well communicated and allow me to see that dimension of communication in my own relationships that I have been missing! Suzanne Degger-White, PhD, LPC, NCC, licensed counselor and faculty member at Northern Illinois University.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful. Every couple should read this book By Toni Bernhard No matter how compatible a couple is, their relationship is at risk if they have poor communication skills. Even if a couple is aware of this problem, they may not be able to do anything about it because effective communication is a learned skillIn this terrific book, Marty Babits provides couples with a tool to master that skill in the form of a three-step technique, called Three-Dimensional Communication.” It teaches couples how to approach conflicts and misunderstandings, big and small. As I read the book, I kept imagining counselors using the technique with couples in a therapy setting. Thanks to Babits, this technique is now available to everyone.To help readers employ this invaluable tool, Babits includes case studies, examples of conversations of couples talking to each other, and even self-assessment quizzes and exercises to help readers see more clearly where their communication skills fall short. I particularly appreciated the examples of couples talking to each other, some of those examples demonstrating poor communication skills and others illustrating the successful use of Three-Dimensional Communication. Seeing how other couples actually try to communicate with each other brings Babits’ technique to life for readers because they’ll recognize themselves in many of the conversations.I know many couples—from their 20s to their 70s— who could benefit from this book. Babits writes in an empathetic and assessable style, both of which give readers confidence that they can change their lives for the better. This book is empowering; it holds the promise of being life-changing. This is why I recommend it so highly.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful. We are not born good communicators, we learn how By Mario Garrett As humans we have a complex system of communicating, not just the obvious level of speech, but the underlying levels of emotions and, deeper still, the anticipation of future goals and resolving of past issues. Successful communication effectively recognizes the validity of these three levels of communication. Marty Babits--through his extensive clinical practice and teachings--brings cohesiveness to this interpretation. He rethreads the complex weave of our psychology to describe the dynamics of communicating within a relationship. We are not born good communicators, we learn how. Some of us get stuck and cannot see past our own needs, our hurt. This book is a road map of how to develop effective communication between partners. But it is more than that. “Being able to rely on ourselves and those we are close to is our greatest stress-reducing strategies.” By using numerous pragmatic real life examples, the reader becomes a “voyeur” therapist with himself or herself as the client. By applying the many quizzes, exercises and scales, you are guided through what it takes to appreciate the different levels of communication and to be able to understand the different strands in the pattern of communication that both you and your partner can use to improve your relationship.
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